Do This For Me

You are a vagabond seeking enlightenment. You have travelled far to reach the top of this mountain, where a wisened old wizard lives. Many believe this wizard knows every secret of the universe. [[Scale the peak.]]

The wizard listens intently as you rattle on and on about your day. His expression never changes, but you can tell he is a good listener. [[Continue telling the wizard more things about your day.]]

(if: $Westworld is false)[The wizard thinks, then speaks: "I could tell you the answer to this, but I think you'd have more fun hearing about what's in the center of the maze in HBO's *Westworld*." [[Say "Okay, fine, what's in the center of the maze in HBO's Westworld?"->Ask the wizard "what is at the center of the maze in Westworld?"]] [[Say "No, please tell me how to deal with Trump."]]] (if: $Westworld is true)[The wizard seems surprised. "The answer to this question should be clear to anyone who has already learned the secrets of the *Westworld* maze... did you not understand? Do you require further explanation? Sometimes less-intelligent minds have trouble grasping lofty concepts such as these." [[Spare yourself from embarrassment by pretending to know what he's talking about.]]]

"Ah," says the wizard. "So you wish to engage me in a Magic Fight. Very well, then..." The wizard pulls a submachine gun from his robe. "Let us dance." [[Use your spellbook to summon a Lesser Ice Wisp to aid in your battle.]] [[Charge the wizard and attempt to put him into a headlock.]] [[Say "Never mind, I don't want to fight you actually. I was wrong."->Begin your descent back down the mountain.]]

The wizard laughs. "The secret of *Westworld's* maze," he begins, "is very interesting indeed..." He turns away and the setting sun illuminates his sihlouette. "...You see, I have lived a long and full life. I have experienced love, loss, hate, hope, fear, growth, change... I have witnessed empires rise and fall. I have learned as much as this world was willing to teach me, and soon I will be taught its final lesson: death. "Through it all, the most important thing I've learned is what lies at the center of the hidden maze in the HBO series *Westworld:* a sentient golden choo-choo train that can talk and say things like 'Howdy, partner!' and 'Saddle up, partner!' Sometimes the funny Golden Train will accidentally say pirate-related things like 'Avast, ye mateys!' or "To the poopdeck, ye mateys!" instead of cowboy-related things like "I just rode into town, partner!" but we eventually find out that this is because Anthony Hopkins actually prefers pirates to cowboys and he's mad that they built a cowboy-themed robot park instead of a pirate-themed one." (set: $Westworld to true) [[Say "thank you, wizard, for telling me about the secret talking Golden Train in the center of the maze in HBO's Westworld."]]

You wave goodbye to the wizard and take a running leap off the easternmost cliffside. As you hurtle through the open air towards the base of the summit, you reflect on a life well-lived. The wind feels cool on your flesh. The sensation of falling gives you peace. When your skull collides with the sharp rocks lining the mountainside, all light leaves your world. You think nothing. You feel nothing. You are finally free. You have achieved [[enlightenment.]]

The wizard says "you're welcome" and then he says "is there anything else you'd like to ask?" [[Tell him "no" and begin your descent back down the mountain.->Begin your descent back down the mountain.]] [[Ask the wizard "how can America heal from a Trump presidency?"]] [[Challenge the wizard to a Magic Fight.]]

You scale the peak and find the wizard waiting for you. He is wisened, and he is old, and also he has a long white beard. "Yes," you think, "this is certainly a standard wizard." [[Greet the wizard.]]

It is time for an introduction. "Hey, wizard!" you shout. He is only a few feet away, but you yell it very loudly. You quickly regret yelling at such a loud volume - you could have been much quieter and he would have still heard you just fine. [[Reflect on what you've done.]]

You make a mental note not to yell again if the person you're speaking to is only a few feet away. "It's unnecessary," you think to yourself, "to shout so loudly unless the person I'm speaking to is much further away. Perhaps another situation where I might shout is if I am angry and would like to make a point, or if I need to quickly get someone's attention. In both of those situations, it would make sense to shout loudly. Oh, and also what if the person was slightly deaf and I needed to raise my voice in order for them to hear my words? That would be a fine third situation in which yelling would be appropriate." [[The wizard has been speaking to you since you first greeted him. Maybe you should start listening.]]

The wizard strokes his beard as he continuess his winding tale: "...but with the help of one mighty fireball and the bonus disc from *Tropic Thunder* on DVD (full-screen), I was victorious. And so, traveller," he concludes, "that is how I became the Powerful Mountain Wizard. I now live here on this mountain, waiting to answer questions from curious vagabonds." "Oh, cool!" you say (at an acceptable volume this time.) "Yes." The wizard smiles and outstretches his arms. "How can I help you?" (set: $Westworld to false) [[Tell the wizard about your day.]] [[Ask the wizard "how can America heal from a Trump presidency?"]] [[Ask the wizard "what is at the center of the maze in Westworld?"]] [[Challenge the wizard to a Magic Fight.]]

You find a good stopping point in your story. When you are finally finished speaking, the wizard smiles. "Thank you for telling me about your day," he says. "Is that all you wanted from me?" [[Tell him "yes" and begin your descent back down the mountain.->Begin your descent back down the mountain.]] [[Tell him "no" and ask about the center of the maze in Westworld.->Ask the wizard "what is at the center of the maze in Westworld?"]] [[Tell him "no" and ask what we're going to do about Donald Trump.->Ask the wizard "how can America heal from a Trump presidency?"]] [[Tell him "no" and challenge him to a Magic Fight.->Challenge the wizard to a Magic Fight.]]

**AH, WOW. CONGRATULATIONS. YOU'VE GOTTEN THE *GOOD ENDING.***

The wizard seems disgruntled. "Are you *sure* you don't want to hear about the *Westworld* maze?" [[Say ".......fine. Tell me about the center of the Westworld maze. I actually really do want to know this. The secrets of a poorly-written, hyper-masculine sci-fi television drama are much more important to me than the implications of electing a racist orange bag of leather to run what's left of a deeply-troubled country."->Ask the wizard "what is at the center of the maze in Westworld?"]]

You chant the necessary spell and a Lesser Ice Wisp blinks into existence. He is cute and pure and willing to help you in any way he can! The wizard shoots the Wisp repeatedly with his submachine gun, tearing it to shreds. [[Charge the wizard and attempt to put him into a headlock.]] [[Say "Never mind, I don't want to fight you actually. I was wrong."->Begin your descent back down the mountain.]]

You run towards the wizard with your arms outstretched. In no time at all, he fires off his submachine gun and riddles you with bullet holes. You are badly hurt. [[Cry.]]

The wizard nods. If he's getting tired of hearing you speak, he isn't showing it. What a patient wizard! [[Okay, wrap it up now.]]

"Great," says the wizard. "So you do understand after all. Take this spoon. It will help." [[...take the spoon.]] [[Refuse the spoon.]]

(set: $spoon to 1)You take the spoon. Sure. Why not. "Okay," says the wizard. "Now take this second spoon." [["Yeah. Give me the second spoon."]] [["I really don't need more than one spoon."]]

The wizard looks upset. "Please take my spoon." [[Take it.->...take the spoon.]] [["No. I do not want the spoon."]]

The wizard grows angrier. "You must take it." [["Fine, if you're going to be such a crybaby about it..."->...take the spoon.]] [["No. No spoon for me, wizard."]]

The wizard puffs out his chest, nostrils flaring. Your refusals are making him furious. He takes a deep breath and locks eyes with you. *"Take. The. Goddamn. Spoon."* [["Uhh...... okay. Geez. I'll take the spoon."->...take the spoon.]] [["How about instead of taking the spoon, I do not take the spoon?"->Challenge the wizard to a Magic Fight.]]

(set: $spoon to 2)You take the second spoon. Now you've got two spoons. [[Surely that's enough spoons.]]

The wizard looks heartbroken. [["Oh, no! Sorry! I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, wizard. Give me the spoon."->"Yeah. Give me the second spoon."]] [["I see that I've made you sad, but I simply do not require another spoon."->Challenge the wizard to a Magic Fight.]]

The wizard holds out his hand. "Please take this third spoon, also." [["Yes, please. The more spoons the better."]] [["Stop offering me spoons, wizard."]]

(set: $spoon to 3)You've got three spoons now. Quite the collection! [[Ask the wizard if he has any more spoons.]] [[Thank the wizard and say goodbye.->Begin your descent back down the mountain.]]

The wizard's eyes grow red. "Do you really dare defy me, the Powerful Mountain Wizard?" [["No, sorry, of course not. Give me the third spoon."->"Yes, please. The more spoons the better."]] [["...yeah."->Challenge the wizard to a Magic Fight.]]

"I don't have any more spoons, no." [[Challenge the wizard to a Magic Fight.]]

You start crying on account of you have been shot quite a bit in the stomach by a wizard's submachine gun. By the way: he has not stopped shooting you. You are still getting shot by steady rounds of bullets. [[Try to fill your wounds with dirt.]]

You desperately shove clods of dirt into your various wounds. The wizard has not stopped shooting you. [[Ask him to stop shooting you.]]

"What?" the wizard shouts. He cannot hear you over the sound of his submachine gun firing off rounds into your dying body. [[Ask him to stop shooting you, but louder this time.]]

"Are you saying 'stock shoes in threes?'" asks the wizard. "Like, if I worked at a Foot Locker or some other shoe store, I should stock each shoe in sets of threes?" [[Tell him no, that's not what you said. You asked him to stop shooting you.]]

When you speak this time, nothing but blood comes out of your mouth. The wizard keeps firing away. He does not break eye contact with you. The last thing you see before you die on top of this mountain is this wizard shooting you repeatedly with a submachine gun he kept hidden away in his large wizard robe. You [[smile.]]

**THANK YOU FOR PLAYING BUT I WOULD SAY THAT, PROBABLY, THIS IS THE *BAD ENDING.***