Get Out Of Bed Simulator

You're young and full of dreams. It's 2:00 in the afternoon. You're only just now waking up for the first time today. You kind of have to pee. [[Get dressed.]] [[Go back to sleep.]] [[Get out of bed.]]

You'd get dressed but it's already 2PM. The day's almost over, basically. Plus, you fell asleep wearing yesterday's clothes... so *technically* you're already dressed. Perfect. [[Go back to sleep.]]

You shut your eyes and try to fall back asleep, but your phone vibrates. It could be something important (like a Twitter notification, for instance) but... the phone is *all the way over there.* Ugh. [[Check your phone.]] [[Ignore it.]]

You roll over and reach for your phone. It's on the nightstand, plugged into the wall. The power cord is too short and you'll have to unplug the phone if you want to look at it. [[Um, never mind.]] [[Unplug the phone]], I guess.

Good call. You don't need to check your phone. You're very strong for ignoring it. This is something good you've done: you've proven that your phone doesn't rule your life, and you can exist without being a slave to its ominous, glowing screen. It vibrates again, but you stay strong. You're the one who's in charge. You'll never check your phone. [[Check your phone.]]

The phone vibrates again. It's doing it just to spite you - you can tell. You try to shut your eyes but you're kept awake by the sound of the phone as it lightly rattles against your wooden nightstand. Alright, phone. You win. [[Unplug the phone]].

Yanking the phone from its cord takes *soooo* much effort... but you manage. Wow. What an achievement. ''KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.'' Someone knocks on your bedroom door. [[Shout "Come on in!"]] [[Tell them to go away.]]

You try to yell the words "Come on in!" but all that comes out is some sort of bubbly grunt. It's been weeks since you've had to vocally interact with another human. It's possible you've forgotten how to do it. The door opens anyway. President Barack Obama enters. [[Sit up. This is the president, for god's sake.]] [[Tell him to go away.]]

President Obama (flanked by two Secret Service agents) looks at you with grim determination. He is weary from his terms in office - there are bags under his eyes where years prior there were none. He speaks. [[It's the president. Hear him out.]] [[Throw a sock at the president.]]

"Hello. I am President Barack Obama, and I'm here to congratulate you on the outstanding achievement of rolling over in your bed to unplug your phone from the wall. What you've done here today will be remembered throughout our nation's history, and - furthermore - we want to recognize how hard it must have been for you to follow through with such a monumental task." [[Blush accordingly.]] [[Make that croaky inward breathing noise from The Grudge.]]

You take your award and the president leaves. You hear him rummage through your cupboard for a snack before finally exiting the building. You're alone again in your bedroom. [[Look at your phone.]]

You have a new text message: *"AT&T Free Msg: More than 90% of the 10240 MB of shared data for your AT&T Mobile Share group has been used. If 100% is used, we'll add 1GB of shared data for $15. To check your data use, dial DATA# (3282#). Or you can go to att.com/myattapp to manage your account and change your plan."* [[Respond: "still free to hang later??"]] [[Respond: "hey have you seen the new mad max yet?"]] [[Throw your phone across the room.]]

You shoot back a quick response. You already know the answer: you and AT&T Automated Messages have been hanging out every day for the last couple weeks. Today will be no different. Maybe if you play your cards right, you'll finally get laid. t's 2:15 now. [[Ponder your next move.]]

You shoot back a quick response. You already know the answer: everyone has already seen the new Mad Max movie. We all love movies, and we would never miss the newest big blockbuster hit. In fact, it's against the law to miss a very popular movie - punishable by up to 5 years in jail. Everyone likes this new law. It brings us closer together. It's 2:15 now. [[Ponder your next move.]]

In a fit of rebellion, you chuck your phone at the wall. It connects hard and ricochets directly back to the bed, landing directly on your stomach. It's 2:15 now. [[Ponder your next move.]]

You feel a strong urge to take a selfie but you don't think you look cute enough right now. Well, you're wrong: you're definitely cute enough for a selfie right now. [[Take a selfie.]] [[Search through your phone for old selfies.]] [[Pee your bed.]]

The words you say are almost - *almost* - comprehensible English. President Barack Obama takes the hint and turns around, shutting the door behind him. You hear him rummage through your cupboard for a snack before finally exiting the building. You're alone again in your bedroom. [[Look at your phone.]] [[Consider your personal failures.]]

Most of the photos in your camera roll are selfies. This is to be expected: you're a Millennial, after all. You choose the best one. [[Choose the one where your hair looks really good.]] [[Choose the one where you're showing a bit of your ass.]] [[Choose the one where you were actually crying.]]

Good choice. This gets 4 "Likes" on Instagram. Pretty par for the course. You don't have a lot of followers on Instagram, but you'd like more. ''BOOM.'' Something has made a loud noise outside. [[Look out the window.]]

Good choice. This gets 6 "Favs" on Twitter. Your followers really love to see a bit of ass every once in a while. ''BOOM.'' Something has made a loud noise outside. [[Look out the window.]]

Good choice. This gets 15 "Likes" on Facebook. It really resonated with your immediate network of friends. ''BOOM.'' Something has made a loud noise outside. [[Look out the window.]]

Without moving your body at all, you are able to maneuver your eyeballs to a point where you can just barely make out the scene outside your bedroom window: There's been an explosion of some sort. Multiple buildings are already on fire. [[Go back to sleep again.]] [[Groan loudly.]]

Ughhhhh. "This again?" you think. "Another uncontrollable fire outside my bedroom window?" [[Roll your eyes.]] [[Roll your eyes but, like, extra hard.]]

Listen, it's probably for the best to just ignore the fire and go back to sleep. Someone else is going to handle the fire. That's what other people are for. And besides, even if the flames ''DID'' engulf your body and sear you alive, so what? It's probably about time. [[Try to dream.]] [[Stretch your arms.]]

You half-commit to a pretty moderate eye-roll. Nobody is around to see it. People are screaming outside. [[Tweet about the fire.]]

You commit to a powerful eye-roll. It's really one for the books, this eye-roll. If only anyone were around to witness it. People are screaming outside. [[Tweet about the fire.]]

"wow there's another fire... p annoying if u ask me" Good tweet. Will you post it? [[Post the tweet.]] [[Save the tweet as a draft.]] [[Get self-conscious and delete the tweet.]]

It's been a long time since you've dreamt, but that's finally about to change. You close your eyes and drift into REM sleep. [[Dream about sex.]] [[Dream about cookies.]] [[Dream about succeeding.]]

You're confident about this one. The hard work pays off: it gets 4 Favs and 1 RT. [[Hey, what's going on with that fire?]]

You save the tweet as a draft but you know you'll never tweet it. It's kind of a time-sensitive tweet: it won't make sense if you tweet it later when the fire is either done or you've been burned alive. But hey, this is the decision you've made. You're pretty sure you won't regret it. [[Skip ahead 20 years.]]

Woof, that one was a real stinker. Who cares what you think about some dumb fire? Speaking of which... [[Hey, what's going on with that fire?]]

20 years pass. You spend some of those years out of your bed, but you've spent all of them regretting your decision to save that tweet as a draft. The decision haunts you at every waking hour. You never got married. You never made anything. You did nothing with your life. You're still in bed, though, and that counts for something. ''YOU WIN.'' (Your time: 2:47 PM, but 20 years later.)

Hell yeah! A sex dream! This is what life is all about: dreaming of sex. You're having sex with yourself. You're really tearin' into it. You keep high-fiving yourself and saying "Wow, I'm having sex with me! I'm so hot and good at sex!" Which sexual position would you like to try out on yourself? Remember, it's a dream: you can do anything! [[Standard "normal-style" sex.]] [["Depressed Seagull" position.]] [["Gangnam" style.]] [[Sex while wearing hats.]]

Ah, nice. Cookies! You're in a mansion made of cookies. The walls are chocolate-chip. The rug is oatmeal-raisin. The windows are Snickerdoodle. You're having sex with yourself on the oatmeal-raisin rug. Ah, damn it. You accidentally dreamt about sex. You're really tearin' into it, by the way. You keep high-fiving yourself and saying "Wow, I'm having sex with me! I'm so hot and good at sex!" This always happens when you dream. Which sexual position would you like to try out on yourself? Remember, it's a dream: you can do anything! [[Standard "normal-style" sex.]] [["Depressed Seagull" position.]] [["Gangnam" style.]] [[Sex while wearing hats.]]

This is a dream about success, about achieving your every goal and becoming the truest ideal of the person you can be. In this dream, you're having sex with yourself on a bearskin rug. Goddamnit. You accidentally dreamt about sex. You're really tearin' into it, by the way. You keep high-fiving yourself and saying "Wow, I'm having sex with me! I'm so hot and good at sex!" This always happens when you dream. Which sexual position would you like to try out on yourself? Remember, it's a dream: you can do anything! [[Standard "normal-style" sex.]] [["Depressed Seagull" position.]] [["Gangnam" style.]] [[Sex while wearing hats.]]

You decide to just have sex the regular way. The way everybody does it. You know, "normal-style." You make sure to get those elbows in there. You keep the crying to a minimum. You make sure you're both wearing cat ears. All the standard stuff. [[Come in unison with yourself.]]

You decide to go with the "Depressed Seagull" position - you've always wanted to try it. You both put on your home-made seagull wings and cry in opposite corners of the room. [[Come in unison with yourself.]]

Oppa Gangnam Style! Great choice. Since this position is considered fairly kinky, it makes sense to try it out in a dream where nobody will judge you. There's no shame in bringing memes into the bedroom. In fact, more and more teens every day are incorporating Bold Impact typefaces and Donald Trump Vines into their sexual routines. [[Come in unison with yourself.]]

Whoah, you're really pushing this dream to the limits. You and your other self are having sex *while wearing hats.* What kind of hats are you wearing? [[A top hat and a hairnet.]] [[A fedora and a Mickey Mouse cap.]] [[A spinning propellor hat and a MegaMan helmet.]]

Hoo boy! You're both reaching climax! Just as your body starts to spasm, you wake up from the dream. Alright. It's been long enough. Wasn't there some sort of fire burning outside at some point? And isn't it finally time to get out of bed? [[Yes, it's time.]] [[No, I'm staying in bed.]]

Nice! [[Come in unison with yourself.]]

Congratulations! You push off the covers and get out of bed, ready to start the day! ''YOU WIN.'' (Your time: 3:31 PM.)

No, no, of course not. Why make a single goddamn productive move in your life. Why not just die in this bed. Give it a fucking rest, why don't you. [[Die in the bed.]] [[...fine. Get out of bed.]]

Yeesh. Looks like a lot of people have died out there. Nobody's screaming anymore, because they're all dead. You can't be sure, but it feels like your bedroom is getting hotter. And a little smokier. [[Complain about it on Facebook.]] [[Complain about it on Tumblr.]] [[Complain about it out loud to your empty bedroom.]]

You tap away at your phone and produce eight paragraphs of incredibly racist and politically-inciteful hate-speech about the fire. You almost hit the character-limit for a Facebook status update - you didn't even know that such a limit existed. As a final touch, you attach a cute video of some turtle that raised a puppy from birth. Satisfied with the raging flame war in the post's comment thread, you put down your phone. [[How about we just try going back to sleep again?]]

The words you say are almost - *almost* - comprehensible English. Whoever it was takes the hint and stops knocking. You hear them rummage through your cupboard for a snack before finally exiting the building. You're alone again in your bedroom. [[Look at your phone.]] [[Consider your personal failures.]]

You've made a lot of mistakes in life, and now is as good a time as any to ruminate on them. "I'm bad," you think to yourself. "I'm a bad person, and everyone else is better than me." [[Try to cry.]] [[Actually cry.]]

You try to cry but you just can't do it. What's wrong with you? No joy exists in your life, and yet you still cannot bring yourself to cry? It's almost as if you feel nothing at all. Oh, well. Your phone vibrates like crazy. It must actually be important. [[Look at your phone.]] Wait, hold on: it looks like you're going to [[Actually cry.]]

Wow, here come the water-works! You've really been holding back, haven't you? It's been years since you've cried like this. The bedroom fills up with tears and whisks your floating bed away like you're in a children's storybook or something. You're adrift at a sea of tears, captain of your own lonely bed. This is some sort of metaphor, you're sure. There's no land for miles and miles in any direction. [[Try to flag down an airplane or something.]] [[Pee into the ocean of tears.]]

Oh, uh. Wow. In a fit of incredible rudeness, you lob a smelly old sock right at the leader of the free world. It hits him right in the eye! He's stunned, mostly. Not mad. Just stunned. [[Apologize.]] [[Make that croaky inward breathing noise from The Grudge.]]

The president claims to accept your apology, but honestly it seems like he's having none of it. He begins to speak. [[It's the president. Hear him out.]] [[Throw another sock at him.]]

You start making that gross ghostly noise and you don't stop until the president leaves. You hear him rummage through your cupboard for a snack before finally exiting the building. You're alone again in your bedroom. [[Look at your phone.]]

Woof, that was a bad choice. Just as the second sock leaves your hand and begins soaring through the air, the secret service finally steps into action and unloads a barrage of bullets on you. You die instantly, and President Obama never looks away. He watches the whole thing - blood spatters onto his face and he slowly licks it up. He orders his men to remove your body from the premises and hide it in a place where nobody will ever find it. ''YOU WIN.'' (Your time: 2:21 PM.)

At least this saves you a trip to the toilet. You do as your hero Larry The Cable Guy and "git-r-done." Your urine stream attracts a great sea beast. A towering dragon bursts from the surface and casts judgment upon you. [[Frantically apologize.]] [[Throw your pillow at it.]]

You pee everywhere. The urine soaks your bedsheets and pools all around you on the mattress. You just lie there in it. This is what you deserve. [[Roll around in it.]] [[Go back to sleep again.]]

Sure, why not. This is your life now. You couldn't even get out of bed to pee. You're a pee-person now. You writhe around in your piss-covered bed like a pig in mud. You love it. [[Squeal like a pig.]] [[Now poop.]] [[Toss away the sheets.]]

You embrace your inner-hog and snort like the farm animal you are. To be honest, you've taken a particularly awful path both in life and in this game. There's really no recovering from this. In your swine-like fervor, you accidentally topple off the bed and land with a thud to the floor. Congratulations: you've made it out of bed. ''YOU "WIN."'' (Your time: 2:33 PM.)

Why stop at peeing the bed? You've got to poop, too. Go ahead, let loose. We're all disgusted with you. To be honest, you've taken a particularly awful path both in life and in this game. There's really no recovering from this. Days pass and eventually the smell becomes so unbearable that you let yourself roll off the mattress and onto the floor. Congratulations: you've made it out of bed. ''YOU "WIN."'' (Your time: 9:21 PM, but three days after the fact.)

Ugh, this has gone too far. You're better than this! You ball up the sheets and toss them out the window, all without actually leaving the comfort of your bed. Sheetless and cold, you have very few options left. [[How about we just try going back to sleep again?]] [[Look out the window.]]

Aaaahhhhh, that feels nice. Your body thanks you for giving it some much-needed exercise. In fact, your body is so out of shape that - as you stretch - you hear the loud crack of bone. Something has broken. [[Try to figure out what's broken.]] [[Accept your new condition and move on.]]

You pat your body down in an attempt to diagnose the problem. Ah, yes, it's what you feared: you've broken your soul. [[That's fine, you didn't need a soul anyway.]] [[Try to get it back.]]

Honestly, you feel like you're breaking a little bit more every day. What's one less working part? "Incomplete" is your "complete." [[Try to dream.]] [[Lie there silently.]]

You sing yourself your favorite lullaby ("My December" by Linkin Park) and do your best to doze off. [[Try to dream.]] [[Stretch your arms.]]

You hold your phone out in front of you and enter camera-mode. Will you be showing this selfie to anybody? [[I'm going to post it online.]] [[I'm going to send it to one person.]] [[I'm going to keep it for myself.]]

You tap away at your phone and craft an excessively long post about the fire and its right to burn freely. Everyone in the echo chamber agrees with you, and although it can be dangerous to skip along unchallenged, your heart is ultimately in the right place. You're satisfied with the amount of reblogs you get, and thus put down your phone. [[How about we just try going back to sleep again?]]

"This fire sucks!" you say. "I hate this fire and all fire, actually!" Nobody hears you. [[How about we just try going back to sleep again?]]

It's not like you ever even used that soul. You were just an empty husk of a human drifting down life's Lazy River on some patched-up inner-tube. The air's been leaking out for years, and it's time for you to finally face the music and sink. Let's do something else, instead. [[Try to dream.]]

A soul? Don't you need that? You want to get it back, but you're not sure how. [[Confess your sins.]] Never mind this. [[Try to dream.]]

Nothing happens for quite some time. At this point, you're just willfully opposed to the very concept of leaving the bed. [[Continue lying there silently.]] [[Get up.]]

You're really not going to get up, are you? It's actually quite admirable. You're committed. Nothing will shake you. ''TAP TAP TAP.'' Someone is at your window: it's a businessman dressed in a full suit and tie. He's hanging out the side of a helicopter. "Excuse me! Sorry to bother you, but I'm terrified of heights and I've somehow gotten myself stuck on this helicopter! If you open your window and let me in I'll give you all of my life savings!" What will you do? The window is all the way across the room, mind you. [[Let him in.]] [[Keep lying in bed.]]

Oh, wow, what a twist! You somehow muster up the motivation to push off the covers and get out of bed, ready to start the day! Congratulations! ''YOU WIN.'' (Your time: 3:51 PM.)

Hmm, are you sure? This means you'll have to get out of bed. Just make absolutely certain that this is worth it. (The businessman is waving a wad of cold hard cash at you.) [[Yes, you're sure. You're willing to give up on your convictions for some petty riches.]] No, on second thought... [[Keep lying in bed.]]

Oh, come on. How long do you think you can keep doing this for? Realistically? [[Maybe another hour or so.]] [[Until the end of time.]] [[You can't do this any longer.]]

Your will is weak: you get up out of bed and traipse across the room to open the window. Before you manage to do so, however, the businessman slips and falls from the chopper. His body hits the ground and bounces once before resting limp and lifeless. Welp, no riches for you! But at least you got out of bed. Congratulations! ''YOU WIN.'' (Your time: 3:58 PM.)

Your convictions are strong. In a valiant attempt to prove some sort of point, you lie motionless in your bed until time itself begins to rip apart at the seams. Reality fades all around you. Nothing is left but your consciousness flowing through these lost rivers of the void. Technically, your bed no longer exists... so technically, you aren't in it anymore... so technically, you got out of bed. Congratulations. ''YOU WIN.'' (Your time: TIME NO LONGER EXISTS.)

Actually, this was your limit. With some reluctance, you push off the covers and get out of bed, ready to start the day! Congratulations! ''YOU WIN.'' (Your time: 4:12 PM.)

You construct a beacon using a combination of pillows, underwear, and loose hair. Eventually, a passing helicopter notices your distress signal and swoops down low to pick you up. They extend a rope ladder. [[Climb up.]] [[Refuse the rope ladder.]]

Oh, wow, that was pretty anti-climactic. You push off the covers and get out of bed, ready to start the day! I hope you're happy. ''YOU WIN.'' (Your time: 2:01 PM.)

You didn't mean to offend this great sea beast. You explain yourself. The great sea beast responds in a deep, soothing tone that feels like it reverberates through every fiber of your being. "I am Bartholomew, Great Beast of the Sad Sea. Such a big, powerful god I am. I'm so strong. I'm so beautiful. Yet you dare uleash your bladder in my presence?" [[Make up an excuse.]] [[Attempt to slay the beast.]]

"I'm The Great Big Sea Beast of Sadness and Sorrow. My blue scales make you sad. I'm so big and powerful and I am beautiful, too, did you hear me say I am so beautiful and powerful. Did you hear me say those things." The beast continues to prattle on as you throw pillows at it. "I'm so filled with sorrow and sadness. When you strike me, I feel these emotions of such unbearable magnitude. I'm The Famous Snake of the Sea. I generate all the world's unhappiness. You cannot kill a god. I'm famous and popular, and a giant snake. I feel nothing but sorrow." You ran out of pillows. [[Call the beast names.]] [[Try to comfort the beast.]]

You accept the helicopter's aid and climb up into the sky. As you ascend the ladder, your muscles begin to give out. Could it be that you've spent so much time in your bed over the years that your body has atrophied to a state of absolute unusability? Your fingers collapse and you plummet down into the sea, where you are devoured wholesale by a great sea beast. At least you made it out of bed. Congratulations. ''YOU "WIN."'' (Your time: 2:19 PM, and also you are dead.)

Accepting this helicopter's aid would mean you'd have to leave the bed. You shout up your thanks but kindly direct the pilot to leave you alone. They oblige. You watch the chopper disappear over the horizon. [[Pee into the ocean of tears.]] [[Check to see if you're dreaming.]]

Come on, an ocean of your tears? Seems a little far-fetched. You're probably dreaming. You pinch your arm as hard as you can... and *wake up.* Yep, it was a dream all along. You're safe and sound in your bedroom, soaked in your own tears and urine. [[Look at your phone.]]

"You cannot deceive me, child," the Beast bellows. "I know all. I see all. I am all. You bathe in the tears of my brethren. I'm big and beautiful, and powerful also. I'm the Great Big Sea Beast of the Sad Sea. Again, I'm big and beautiful and powerful." [[Ask the beast to stop talking.]] [[Indulge the beast further.]]

"What gall you have, child! Gods of the Sad Sea such as me do not kowtow to the desires of mere mortals! My words demand listening. My big powerful words. I'm so big and beautiful. I'm the Big and Beautiful Sea Snake of Tears." [[Indulge the beast further.]] You've had enough: [[Attempt to slay the beast.]]

"I'm The Great Big Sea Beast of Sadness and Sorrow. My blue scales make you sad. I'm so big and powerful and I am beautiful, too, did you hear me say I am so beautiful and powerful. Did you hear me say those things." The beast continues to prattle on. You just sit there and listen. "I'm so filled with sorrow and sadness. I feel these emotions of such unbearable magnitude. I'm The Famous Snake of the Sea. I generate all the world's unhappiness. You cannot kill a god. I'm famous and popular, and a giant snake. I feel nothing but sorrow." [[Call the beast names.]] [[Try to comfort the beast.]]

You lob various insults at the beast. "You're a big dumb idiot!" you scream. "Nobody likes you and your brain is small and dumb!" The beast has frozen. It is seemingly paralyzed by your vicious words. You don't stop there: "You'll never succeed at anything! Your parents are going to keep paying for you until you die! Nobody wants to hire you and college was a waste of time!" You keep going, insult after insult, and eventually you realize the truth: there is no Great Famous Sea Beast of Sorrow's Ocean. You're still alone in your bedroom, shouting insults at yourself. All along, the Beast was you: you were the Great Famous Beast of Sadness Sea. You don't feel very great. [[Look at your phone.]]

The Beast needs a friend. "You're so big and beautiful!" you scream. "Everyone is so in awe of your slimy scales and powerful snake eyes!" The beast has frozen. It is seemingly quelled by your kind words. You don't stop there: "You're going to succeed at everything you ever do! Your independence will be hard-earned but well-deserved! You will thrive in any setting and become master of your own destiny! You will help others and others will be inspired to help you!" You keep going, assurance after assurance, and eventually you realize the truth: there is no Great Famous Sea Beast of Sorrow's Ocean. You're still alone in your bedroom, shouting compliments at yourself. All along, the Beast was you: you were the Great Famous Beast of Sadness Sea. This was just what you needed. [[Look at your phone.]]

The world is always going to need more selfies. You pose and snap away, adding to the quilted tapestry of diverse faces spread all across the entire web. There are more photos of you than there are of any other human in your ancestral lineage, and what a joy it is - the cave-people would have taken selfies if they could have. You're making up for lost time. ''BOOM.'' Something has made a loud noise outside. [[Look out the window.]]

Ah, a sext. You know all about sexts. We'll look away and let you handle this. We'll resume when all your clothes are back on. [[You're all finished.]]

Perfect. A selfie for yourself is the most special selfie of all. You get naked and the sunlight hits you in that perfect, heavenly manner. Your ass looks really good. Your hair is on point. You know exactly what to do with your face. Everything has aligned to make this, the perfect selfie, possible. *Click.* [[Keep it in your camera roll to look at when you're feeling down.]] [[It's too perfect. Delete the selfie.]]

Oh. Oh, wow. This is... this is too perfect. If anyone were to see this... You delete it. It's gone. The world doesn't need to know what happened here today. ''BOOM.'' Something has made a loud noise outside. [[Look out the window.]]

Good move. On a rainy day, this will remind you how great you are. ''BOOM.'' Something has made a loud noise outside. [[Look out the window.]]

That took a while. I'm sure it looks good, though. Don't worry. That angle always works. ''BOOM.'' Something has made a loud noise outside. [[Look out the window.]]

Do we really need to draw it out that long? Is it finally time to get out of bed? [[Yes, it's time.]] [[No, I'm staying in bed.]]

Your sins are many. We don't have that kind of time. How about you just accept that you no longer have a soul and do something else instead? [[Try to dream.]]

You've willed yourself into a state of death. Congratulations. You're a shining emblem of the Millenial Generation. ''YOU GOT THE ULTIMATE ENDING!'' Congratulations. You held true to your convictions and died in bed.

Eh, might as well, right? You push off the covers and get out of bed. Congratulations: you've finally done it. Now, let's see if you can leave the house. ''YOU WIN.'' (Your time: 3:10PM.)